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2006-09-09 - 2:03 p.m. I have two different perspectives that I go through. In the first, I am aware of everything on face. I read somewhere, I forget where, a perfect description of how most people live their lives. It involves the eating of hotdogs. It goes something like: When you first eat a hotdog you relish (hehe) the experience. You poke it with your fingers, and smell it, and at each bite you allow the taste to fully enter your conciousness. And then the next time you eat a hotdog, it's less of an original experience, and eventually you don't pay attention to them. It's a hotdog, you've had enough of them to know what it is, and each time you eat one you're merely remembering every past hotdog you've had, because they're all the same. When you look at cars on the street you don't recognize "These are ten tons of metal that burn gasoline to make people go fast", your mind just says "cars" and that's that. You look at people, and you don't recognize that they are skeletons covered in muscles and tendons, covered in skin. You don't recognize that their actions are controlled by a lump of grey matter in that round bit stuck on top of their shoulders. You know these things, in your subconcious, somewhere hidden in the recesses of your mind is this knowledge, because really, it's true. Everyone knows it. But you don't recognize it. Half the time, I do recognize these things. I am painfully aware of my tongue in my mouth, and the digestive process in the middle of my body, and the muscle reactions that allow me to type this. I am aware of every sound that I hear that normally gets ignored, and in any busy place, like a food court, I get overwhelmed and have to escape because of all the conversations and the rattling of trays and the sipping of straws and the scraping of chairs and the beeping of buttons and the ringing of cell phones and and and everything. I have difficulty discerning between somebody talking to me, and somebody talking to their friend at the next table. I am aware of the nature of everything, and amazed by so much. These are the times that I laugh at police officers, because I don't understand the meaning behind badges. Yeah, you're a dude dressed up with a shiny thing stuck to the front of your clothes. That doesn't give you any more power. You're still just a human, trying to find some meaning in things that don't really have meaning. I look at societal constructs and am amazed by such a widespread cultural suspension of disbelief that allows such silly things to go on. These are the times that I don't understand how people can be racist, sexist, blahist. I don't understand how anybody could believe in god, or want to wage a war against another country. I don't understand people who get into petty squabbles, or people who put too much emphasis on their jobs. It is the equivalent of taking a step back, and looking at things from an alien perspective. If you were an alien who just came to earth and were examining things for the first time, what would you think? And then there are times that I see hidden messages in things, and double meanings in everything. I count the tiles on the bathroom floor and find that it's half the number of Q-tips that come in a package, which, when multiplied by the number of rolls of toilet paper in a package, equals the number of sheets on each roll. I have to constantly remind myself that my life is not like the Truman show, and most things are just coincidental, like Oingo Boingo coming on the radio the time I lost my virginity. There aren't people sitting in a control room somewhere telling each other how the world should be run based on my life. There aren't. But then, also, I put too much stock in what other people do just in general. I titled a mix cd "A stone, the perfect ending" based off of two of the songs I put on there, and because I thought it sounded cool. Two hours later I read it and started thinking of the deeper meaning, even though there was none when I originally wrote it. I look at a movie like "Garden State" and, in the middle of Wendys one day, say to my friends that I think it means a state of innocence, like the state Adam and Eve were in, in the garden. Garden State, right? One of them says no no no, it's New Jersey. Jersey is the Garden State. I say "No I know, but.. forget it." And I looked at you, and you had a strange look in your eyes. I didn't know what that look meant, and I still don't, because when I'm in that frame of mind, where I find hidden meanings in everything, I have to force myself to not think that look was anything more than you paying attention to me speaking.

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