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2003-07-15 - 9:07 a.m. As you might have already heard by reading my diary, or by being my friend, or by being friends with a mobster named Lou, or by reading Lou's diary, I am out of school right now. It is summer. Yeah that's right, you are now allowed to swoon and send me all your money and dirty underwear. No I am just kidding, do not send me your dirty underwear if you are a fat old guy. If you are Fabio or a guy who craps gold we can negotiate. Anyways, because I am out of school, and I am a teenager, I feel it is my duty to stay up for 19/32's of the night, hear strange noises, and be grouchy. Here is a story of my fulfilling my duties. Last night I realized that from where I'm sitting right now I can see the big ass man-eating hill of death and, if I'm not mistaken, I can see the growing area of dead vegetation where I took a piss near the top. Yeah I took a piss on the hill of death, I don't care if dozens of fully grown and/or not so fully grown humans may have spotted me. To see anything interesting from that distance would have been like seeing an ant, well, near the top of a big big big hill. And to anyone who can see that awesomely I say "Look to your heart's delight, for I am sure you could have x-ray vision if you tried and why should I deny you the pleasure you richly deserve for having x-ray vision. Damn. Can I have your autograph? Please sign my penis." Anyways back to my story. After I realized I can see the evil hill, I glared at it for a few minutes, and then decided that inanimate objects aren't worth my time. Unless they taste like fudge. I don't know where that was going. This is what also happened last night, after I glared at the hill. I was talking to some fine honeys on the internet, taking over third world countries, and generally being the super awesome guy that I am, when this person sends me a message from the screen name of "xxx_finehoney69_xxx". As soon as I saw that I think "Well now this must be a super-fine honey, to have porn on both sides of her name like that, and the numerals are strangely attracting to me. Her message said something along the lines of "wow, are you Matt Boss the incorrigible? I absolutely love you, please take my virginity and let me bake you a dozen pies." Who can say no to that? So she sent me her picture which you can see here (She's the one on the right). I am never talking to any fine honeys on the internet ever again. Bah. Then I went to bed, shuddering still with the thought of that ugly beached whale. About right when I was a half centimeter away from the precipice of sleep, I hear a strange ticking sound. Using my years of bomb diffusion training I slowly stretch out my body, stubbing my toe on the dresser (Don't ask) and threw boxers in the direction of the ticking. Studies have proven that guys boxers can stave off a nuclear blast of up to 3 tons, so I thought that was a pretty good idea, although now it left my privates hanging wide open to be blasted into oblivion or chewed upon by some rodents. I sat there groggily alternatively covering myself and searching for the ticking sound, when I came upon my cell phone. Upon closer examination which entailed jamming it in my eye socket I discovered it was the mysterious ticking, but that still didn't explain the mysterious part. Why was it ticking? There was absolutely no reason to do such a thing unless Lou has finally found where I'm staying, in which case I will see you all in a burning fiery hell pit, which will be a nice change from the HILL OF DEATH. So to sum-up, my cell phone ticks for no reason and I'm going to hell. After I discovered it was my phone I was finally able to stop hitting myself in the balls while flailing around and get some sleep, this was about 3:30 in the morning. A full 4 hours and 12 minutes later, that's 7:42 for those of you who are the suck-at-math-and-anything-relatively-intelligent types, I was awoken by the sound of my father yelling downstairs my name. I responded "Shut the fuck up and let me get some sleep you dickhead, I have been asleep for 4 hours and 12 minutes (With my super powers I tell time automatically) and I'm not about to come up and eat breakfast just so you can feel like a family. Now go build me a castle" which must've sounded like "Mmph" to him because he just proceeded to yell at me some more instead of what obviously should have happened, which is him building me a castle. Dude how freaking cool would a castle be? Yeah so I got some sleep, and ate some cinnamon rolls, then got on here to complain about how my night was horrible. Now it's 7 hours later and this is crappier than I expected, as a result of lack of initiative and yelling obscenities at the damn hill which I can still see out this window.

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