2011-02-06 - 7:09 a.m.
What started it off was when she asked me, "So, when are you going to leave the hostel?"
I immediately got offended and lashed back at her, telling her not to judge me (but using different words). I have this problem where my brain immediately solves problems or comes up with answers to questions before my mind actually knows why that answer is the way that it is. It got me in trouble in school and it still gets me in trouble.
In this exact situation, once I had a chance to think about it later, I came up with this reasoning: If I was a dental assistant (making less money than I currently do, which is far less money than I have in the past) and had an apartment here (which comparably would cost more than where I live) nobody would ever ask me, "So, when are you going to leave your apartment?" or "So, when are you going to leave your job?" I wouldn't mind so much a question like, "So, is there something you really want to do in the future?" Otherwise in my mind certain questions silently say, "Your life isn't good enough, when are you gonna make it better?"This is a problem for me. I am a private person. I don't like to talk about myself -- if a direct question comes up or a specific conversation comes up I don't avoid talking about things, but I don't volunteer anything often. A lot of the people I hang out with here know that I am/have been a poker player. A few people know that I paid off most of my student loans by this. Only one person here knows the specifics about the time that I won forty grand in a month only to blow it all on a stupid decision in Mexico. It is not specifically private, it just doesn't come up often.
I live the life that I live because I enjoy it. If my needs change or my wants change then my life would change, as it has so often in the past.. but right now I am happy. I am sure that if I live long enough I will wind up with a house somewhere (if I have my way it will be one that I've designed and built myself) and a wife and a few rugrats running around.. but I don't feel the need to rush it. I don't have any desire or need to 'secure' my future -- It is secure enough already. I will never ever want for anything. I make some stupid rash decisions sometimes which may leave me tight, but it is never a lasting state for me.
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