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2008-05-02 - 9:49 p.m. Every so often, I completely fuck myself. I haven't had a job for over a year, but I've been able to live quite nicely by playing poker frequently. I usually do very well at it, and make a bunch of money that I spend on random and pointless things that nobody needs. Then a while back I met a girl named Madison. We "hung out" for a few weeks, and then she stole $4500 from me and went far far away. I got angry, went out and started drinking, and wound up spending around $7000 that night. That was all the money I had in the world. The next day I woke up and had to buy gas with change. Ever since then I've been scrounging and trying to get myself back to where I was, but it's just not working. Poker has quite a bit of luck involved, and when that luck isn't going your way it can be pretty nasty. If you're a good player and you have enough money, you can ride out the downswings and you'll start winning again in no time. The problem now is, I'm having pretty much the worst luck I've ever had, and I don't have all the money I used to have to back me up. I used to be able to go out with five hundred in my pocket and win a couple thousand dollars in four hours. Now, I am completely fucked. I have been thinking a lot about the non-existent meaning of life. Usually, before, I could ignore the fact that all this has no purpose because I was having fun and smiling a lot. Now, I am just trying to find a reason for wanting to try so hard. If I wasn't so stubborn, I'd probably kill myself. I wish I could just find five grand on the sidewalk. I'd have a bankroll and for the next month I'd easily make the ten thousand I want to take to europe. Realistically, I'm probably not even going to be able to go, now. This is absolutely terrible. I haven't felt bad enough to write a rambly downer entry in so long. But I feel really fucking badly right now.

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